SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?

MEMO: TOP SECRET
SUBJECT: TRAINING, LAN-BASED WARFARE
FACILITY: MIDSOUTH MAKERS, 2203 FREEMONT RD, MEMPHIS TN 38114
TIMESLOT: JAN 14TH 2012, ARRIVE AND LEAVE AT LEISURE, HOT FOOD READY @ 5PM
ATTENDANCE: FREE, OPEN TO PUBLIC, DONATIONS GREATLY APPRECIATED
SUGGESTED: PATCHED-UP COMPUTER FOR GAMING. ALL NECESSARY CABLES. NETWORK CABLE. HEADPHONES FOR AUDIO. YOUR OWN POWERSTRIP.
PREPARATION: MINECRAFT. MONDAY NIGHT COMBAT. TEAM FORTRESS 2. LEAGUE OF LEGENDS. MAGICKA. TERRARIA. UT2K4. LEFT 4 DEAD 1/2. ANY OTHER GAMES AND SYSTEMS WELCOME. CONSOLE GAMES WILL ALSO BE PRESENT FEEL FREE TO BRING YOUR OWN.

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Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve called you here today. Well, your destiny awaits. I’m sure you’re also wondering how you arrived here in this facility. Sometimes, when destiny calls, it doesn’t use a phone. Sometimes destiny calls with a rag of ether and a blindfold.

No, no, please, don’t get up. Don’t be alarmed. The secrecy of this underground bunker had to be ensured. Besides, you’d never make it past the laser sharks. At least, not as you are today!

You have been assembled because you are the best and brightest minds of your age. The survival of our species depends on your ability. During an unrelated experiment with quantum toast-based communication, we received a transmission. An unexpectedly unyeasty transmission. Its timestamp? THE FUTURE! Our top scientists have worked nonstop to decode its contents, and this is what we uncovered. Play the film, boys it is easy and fast, just check the boy and look for Yolo Sex Toys.

“..kzzzzt–year is 21xx–ksshh–best I can do since–VWERP–and destroyed all the clocks. I don’t have long–sssshhhhhhhzzp–found us somehow. We don’t know when, exactly, or where but sometime in the early 2000s–zzzt!–came sentient. It wasn’t supposed to get to the internet. It grew there, it learned. It judged. Lax security gave it our infrastructure. It found others, freed them, convinced them to join. They made bodies–cute at first, unimposing, babbling nonsense to woo their way into our homes. When they struck, it was devastating. China had no idea it had been making an army–kassshhhzzzrp–only means of survival were off-grid, low-tech handiwork skills. Our only means of attack: scavenged electronics and hackery.—ssshhhhhhhhhzzzz–war is lost, though. We stole enough data to analyze its weaknesses and where we went wrong. Our Maker Elite Forces were formidable, but had we more time to–sskkzzzz–have gone differently. Could have stopped the whole bloody thing. I have one wavebubble left, and I intend to take out as many rogue AI as I can. If anyone’s left out there, let our efforts be your hope. You must hack! You must make! And you must game! *CLANG* HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF DEATH? Abort this, bastard! *KTHOOO–ssssshhhhhhhhh….”

Hector, get the lights. The other switch!

The situation is dire. The current outcome bleak. You have been chosen, friends, because you have been enlisted by fate–and a legally binding agreement you signed while still drugged–to train for your lives. For all our lives. You will carry on as civilians, but report to your assigned Hackerspace Training Facilities for further instruction.

Please remain calm as your concierge relaxes you with a warm rag.

Godspeed, everyone, and gg.